Mirror, Mirror
by Tierney Beckett
Summary: Episode tag for 'Miller's Crossing'.  Crossover with SG1.  When Jack calls Sheppard in to answer some questions, he finds that he shares more in common with the younger man than he'd like to admit.


Disclaimer: If I owned it, Carson would still be alive. And I would be rich.

Spoilers: Anything up to and including 'Miller's Crossing'

A/N: So this isn't one of my better works, but it wouldn't leave me alone. The ep 'Miller's Crossing' just left me totally stunned. Atlantis has had it's 'ethical' questions before. But this one left them all in the dust as far as I was concerned. This started out as a study of Sheppard, but it kinda turned into seeing Sheppard through the eyes of someone who doesn't interact with him on a daily basis. Namely, Jack O'Neill.

If Jack seems a bit out of character, I apologize. But you know how it is when a story gets in your head. You just have to run with it.

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''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''Cheyenne Mountain – Stargate Command

"General O'Neill has requested that Colonel Sheppard report to him in DC, sir."

Hank Landry looked at the airman in confusion. Sheppard, McKay and Ronon were two hours away from returning to Atlantis. Jack knew the time of their departure. Surely there must be a mistake. But the dead serious look in the eyes of the young man facing him told him otherwise. Landry heaved a sigh before sending Walter to find Sheppard.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"You've gotta be kidding. We're due back in Atlantis soon."

Verbally, Sheppard wasn't questioning the order. But mentally, he agreed with McKay. He wanted to go home. He had always planned for his next trip to Earth to be a vacation. Take Ronon and Teyla sightseeing maybe. These past few days had been many things. A vacation was not one of them.

"I have to go, McKay. And don't start in on the military mindset thing, either. If he'd asked for you, you'd have to go, too. He is your boss……sort of."

McKay huffed while Ronon just looked bored with the whole thing. If possible, he was even more antsy about a Wraith being at the SGC then he was with one being on Atlantis. He wanted to get back to Atlantis just as much as the other two men.

"We'll leave tomorrow, if we have to. Contact Carter and let her know about the delay."

"So we're just supposed to stay here and sit on our hands while you saunter off to DC?"

There was an edge to McKay's voice that Sheppard didn't miss. It had been there ever since Jeannie had left. John knew that Rodney had questions. Questions that he just didn't know if he was ready to answer. Now that he thought about it, maybe some time away from McKay was just what he needed.

"Rodney, drop it. I'll be back in the morning. Assuming I'm not being court-martialed."

He regretted the words as soon as he'd said them. His attempt at light-heartedness had brought a hint of guilt into McKay's eyes and concern into Ronon's. Shaking his head, John left the room, tossing back a comment as he exited.

"Stay out of trouble while I'm gone."

He didn't look back.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''Washington, DC – Home of General Jack O'Neill

"Sir?"

Jack looked up into Sheppard's eyes, reading the uncertainty there. He knew the younger man was curious. Who wouldn't be? But what he was about to bring up……it required a casual setting. And this was one way that Jack O'Neill relaxed.

"Sheppard, you never interrupt a man when he's lining up his shot. You know that."

"Sorry, sir."

O'Neill returned to the task at hand and Sheppard repressed a sigh. He had been expecting to meet in General O'Neill's office. Possibly his home office. But here he stood, playing pool in a general's basement game room. He supposed he shouldn't have been surprised. He knew O'Neill's tactics were unorthodox. But he also knew why he was here. Sheppard wasn't stupid. He figured, under the circumstances, that the general might've chosen a more formal setting.

The last stripe fell into the center pocket of the table. John watched as his superior officer lined up to hit the eight ball.

"Corner pocket," O'Neill stated confidently, indicating the corner in question. He took his shot and the eight ball rolled slowly towards the destination and teetered on the brink before dropping into the pocket. Sheppard sighed, noticing that there were four solids still on the table.

"You play like a man who has something on his mind," O'Neill observed, returning his cue to it's holder on the wall. Sheppard followed suit, trying to keep his heart from pounding against his ribcage. So now they came to it.

"Yes, sir," was all he said.

He felt O'Neill's eyes on him and fought the urge to squirm. He was a colonel in the United States Air Force, for cryin' out loud. He'd faced down Wraith, Genii, Replicators…..McKay. He had survived a year, along with several others, cut off from Earth and everything he'd ever known. Why would a look from one general be enough to reduce him to this?

Because in all the years he'd served in the military, he had never had a commanding officer that he respected more than O'Neill. Oh, he liked working with Carter so far. But although she had final say over the city, they usually seemed to be working more in tandem than anything else. Much like he had worked with Elizabeth, although the dynamics were different, of course.

He wanted O'Neill to respect him as well. And, up until now, he felt that he had the respect of the older man. Now, he wasn't so sure.

"Sheppard, did you really think that the story about losing control of a Wraith would wash with me? That I'd blindly accept it? Those idiots at the IOA may swallow it. Because they want to believe it. They would choose to believe it because it's easier to accept than the idea that one of our own would sacrifice a man's life. But I know you too well, Sheppard. There were four Marines in that room, as well as you. If that scenario really happened, that Wraith would've been pumped full of bullets from five different directions."

"Yes, sir."

Sheppard had come to attention without even realizing it, his eyes focusing on something miles ahead. It was a stance he was grateful for now. He didn't have to look at the face of the general. Didn't have to study the disappointment.

"I'm not telling anyone about this. Although God knows I should. So should Landry. And he has more reason then I do. He hasn't forgotten that you violated a direct order to save Atlantis……or that you dragged three civilians and then two alien allies into the fray along with you."

John remained silent, not terribly surprised at the news that Landry had figured it out, too. He had actually figured on hearing something from the other general as well and was more surprised that he hadn't.

"Incidentally," O'Neill continued, "I haven't forgotten that little excursion, either. Which is probably why I'm not saying anything about this. And why Woolsey isn't even going to contemplate the truth. You saved our lives. But I want to know one thing, Sheppard. Why?"

No. He didn't want to answer that.

"Sheppard?"

He couldn't answer that.

"Colonel! Answer me, dammit!"

"To save McKay, sir."

Jack blinked at the response.

"You mean McKay's sister," he attempted to correct Sheppard. But the colonel shook his head.

"No, sir. I mean McKay."

O'Neill sat down on the edge of the pool table, crossing his arms over his chest. He regarded John thoughtfully for a minute. The silence seemed to serve as a catalyst for Sheppard, who started speaking without any prompt. Still, he kept his eyes focused on the opposite wall.

"McKay came to me and volunteered himself for the Wraith to feed on. I refused. But I've never seen him look more desperate in the entire time I've known him."

Jack nodded slowly, although he was having a hard time wrapping his head around the thought of McKay as being self-sacrificing. Granted, he had been part of the team who came back to rescue Atlantis and Jack had read numerous reports about the adventures of SGA-1. Still, this new McKay was not someone he interacted with often. He was far more familiar with Rodney McKay the egomaniac, the self-centered jerk….the man who had been willing to sacrifice Teal'c.

"He would've found a way to get to that Wraith, sir. I know he would've. Jeannie is all he has left on this Earth. I had to keep him safe."

"So you ordered that Wallace be the meal instead," O'Neill remarked.

"I never would've ordered such a thing, sir. Wallace volunteered."

"Why?"

O'Neill observed carefully as Sheppard twitched a bit before responding.

"I showed him a picture of Jeannie's husband. And her daughter, Madison."

John heard the intake of breath from General O'Neill and fought the urge to wince.

"That's dirty pool, Sheppard," O'Neill's voice was quiet. Very quiet. "The man had just lost his daughter. You knew he was vulnerable."

"With all due respect, sir, he was also a murderer. Jeannie would've died if the Wraith hadn't fed."

"Shall we make death by Wraith a punishment in our judicial system, Colonel?"

Now Sheppard did look at O'Neill. His eyes flashed as he spoke and he struggled to keep his tone respectful.

"I'm not proud of what I've done, sir. It will haunt me for the rest of my life. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. I know you don't think very much of Rodney, but McKay is my best friend. He's saved my life more times then I can count. To lose Jeannie would've destroyed him. He's lost too many friends these past few months. Good friends. Family. I couldn't let him lose someone else. Not when it was preventable. He's sacrificed too much as it is. I did what I thought was necessary to protect my family, sir," John managed to bring his rising voice back under control. Hazel eyes pierced brown. "You would've done the same, sir. If it meant saving a member of your team. Your friend."

Jack opened his mouth to turn the full force of his temper on Sheppard, but a million images suddenly flooded his mind. Carter trapped behind a Goa'uld shield on a mother ship. Daniel, standing in front of the Stargate, asking Jack to let him go. Teal'c under the control of Apophis again. Janet…..God, Janet. He would've given anything to prevent her death. To make sure Cassie still had her mother, that Carter had her best friend. He would've given his life. There was no question there. But would he have given someone else's? He was surprised and rather ashamed when he realized he had no answer for that. It was a question he had never posed to himself, but one that put him in something of a quandary now.

He stared at Sheppard, reading the naked pain in the other man's eyes and realizing that it mirrored the buried memories in his own mind. Sheppard wasn't unlike him. A man who hid his emotions under sarcasm and humor. Idly, Jack wondered if it had something to do with being a pilot. But for Sheppard to actually drop his mask was a monumental event and Jack recognized it as such. In that moment, he saw the guilt over Sumner and the dozens of Genii that Sheppard had raised the shield on. The weight carried by the young Colonel over the missing and presumed dead Lieutenant Ford. He recognized the more recent injuries. The death of Carson Beckett and the loss of Elizabeth Weir to the Replicators. He saw all these things because he knew the man's history in Atlantis. And Jack knew that, in Sheppard's shoes, he would blame himself for all these things as well. It was part of being military, part of being a CO, part of being in the Stargate program.

O'Neill heaved a sigh as he pushed himself away from the pool table. He still carried blame with him over many things. If he had been in a position to prevent any of them, he would have. And he could not judge Sheppard now. Now that he knew the truth about himself.

"Stand down, Colonel," he said. Sheppard visibly relaxed and Jack watched the wall go back up around the man's features. The vulnerability was gone. The cocky fly-boy demeanor had slipped back into place and Jack wondered how much longer the colonel could go on hiding. He should send orders back to Carter that Sheppard was to attend sessions with Dr. Height-

Dammit.

How did these people deal with all this loss? How did they not just go completely out of their minds? There had always been danger on his own team. On all the teams. But the SGC, oddly enough, had always felt safe. It was part of why Janet's death had sent such a shockwave through the mountain. She was base personnel. Base personnel didn't die. They just didn't.

No one was safe on Atlantis, a revelation that Jack just realized with crystal clarity. Was there the same sense of security when a team gated back to the city? Surely on some level. But to the same extent as the SGC? Jack doubted it. And he saw why it was that the city personnel seemed to cling to one another so much tighter than the base personnel in the mountain. The entire expedition was, in essence, an SG team. Never before had Jack gained such insight to the dynamics on Atlantis. He'd never given it too much thought.

McKay was Sheppard's family, odd as that seemed to Jack. They were brothers-in-arms. McKay was Sheppard's Daniel. The thought of Daniel learning that Jack had compared him to Rodney McKay brought a smirk to Jack's face before he could control it.

"Sir?"

O'Neill grew serious again. Time to play general.

"Colonel, I appreciate you telling me the truth. I don't approve of your actions……but as I've said before, I can't reveal them to anyone. I've been backed into a corner on this. I hate that," he groused. His expression softened somewhat as he met Sheppard's eyes again. "And I think your punishment is already being taken care of, son. Far worse than anything the government could ever dream up for you."

Sheppard's eyes clouded over, but he simply nodded in response.

"You saved your friend's life. I'll admit I'm not familiar with this 'New McKay' as Carter repeatedly refers to him in her e-mails. But I get the feeling his stubbornness is not one of the things that's seemed to lessen with the years. I believe you when you say he would've found a way to get to that Wraith. I assume you lowered his security clearance level temporarily."

Sheppard snorted.

"For all the good it would've done."

Jack nodded in response.

"Yeah, if anyone can find a way to bypass security codes, besides Carter, it would be McKay. Man's a genius. But don't tell him I told you that."

"He won't hear it from me, sir."

"You're dismissed, Colonel. Unless you'd like to have another game."

John hesitated, unsure of how to word his response.

"With all due respect, sir, I'm eager to get back home. I mean……back to Atlantis."

O'Neill shook his head as he walked over to the small bar on the other side of the room.

"Call it home if you want, Sheppard. I'm not gonna judge you for it. I guess it's only natural. Care for a drink before you go? Beer maybe?"

"No, sir. Thank you, though."

He was uncomfortable. Jack saw it. Sheppard had let his guard down and now he was ashamed. He wanted to leave. It was like looking in a mirror for Jack O'Neill.

"Go on, Sheppard. I'll look forward to your next report."

"Yes, sir."

John was almost to the top of the stairs when he heard his name being called. Suppressing a sigh, he walked back down and looked expectantly at the general, still standing behind the bar, his face looking so much older all of a sudden.

"Sir?"

"You were right, Sheppard. You were right. Hell of a thing to come to terms with."

The colonel nodded in understanding.

"Yes, sir."

General O'Neill raised the bottle he held in a sort of farewell cheer.

"Stay safe, Colonel," was all he said.

"Yes, sir."

And Sheppard was gone. Jack didn't call him back, although he suddenly felt unaccountably alone right now. Making a snap decision, he picked up the nearby phone and dialed.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''Colorado Springs

The front door of the house opened to reveal a sleepy and very confused archaeologist.

"Jack?"

"I need to talk to you."

FIN

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A/N And there you have it. Now, the ending is because I've always regarded Daniel as Jack's moral compass, so to speak. Also, I realize that there is a bond between all the teams at the SGC. But it seems to me that it's even stronger in Atlantis. They depend more on one another. Particularly the original expedition members who had to survive a year without contact from Earth.

Hope you like! Review! Love reviews!


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